Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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