party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dicks are not precious.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
