I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
