Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
