Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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