I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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