I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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