WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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