I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
