The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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