i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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