And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
