so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize