Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
