This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Randomize
