I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
