I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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