i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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