she woke up with a sticky ear
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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