This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
