I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
