I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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