Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
