so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
