the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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