I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
