Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
