i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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