I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
