see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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