If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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