It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
