im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
