currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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