he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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