If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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