Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
