my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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