got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
