Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
