remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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