Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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