I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
