11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
