Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
