So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
