so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
