Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
