I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
