i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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