i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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