You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
