I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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