maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
