When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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