is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
