so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
