we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
