my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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