just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize