Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
