Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
